Dinner and A Show

I had such a great time with the kids visiting. We did so many fun things. Well to be honest just about anything we do is fun. We make going to the local Squal-mart into an event. No really we do. We are that really annoying family where ever you go that is laughing and doing really stupid things.

A couple of years ago we took a family trip to Maui. One of the excursions we decided to take was the road to Hanna. Now if you have never driven this road the only way to explain it is “hairy”. It is switchback after switchback. You have to honk before you go around a turn to make sure you aren’t going to hit someone head-on. There were 25 of us on this particular trip and in our van was Kahuna, Techman, Techman’s girlfriend and Flyboy, TM’s best friend. Our van had tires a little on the un-inflated side. Every time Kahuna took a curve the tires would squeal. It didn’t matter that we were traveling at a slow rate of speed it we squealed around every corner. People would stop and stare. They would stop their vehicles in fear that the crazy mini-van man would slide off the road or into them. Kahuna would grab the wheel as we passed them with a look of pure horror on his face as if he were out of control while the rest of us would grab the “oh shit” bars and replicate his look of fear. Only my fear was real. I have this thing about careening around a corner on two wheels while looking down a straight cliff it makes me a little nervous.

We laugh and joke and make fun and act silly. Somewhere out there this is a video of me walking up a parking lot with my skirt tucked into my bathing suit bottoms seeing if anyone will tell me that my ass is showing. There are numerous pictures of the kids in various stages of silly faces. That is just how we are together. We laugh, joke and act silly. That is how my story starts.

When Kahuna and I started dating we had both been hurt pretty badly in our previous relationships. I didn’t really want to date him to be honest. I mean here was this really nice guy who wanted to take me out and I just didn’t deserve it. It was on Matilda’s, my sister, urging and direction that I succumbed and agreed to go out with him. This one evening about a month after our first date and several ‘coffees’ later he asked me out for a Friday night date. He didn’t tell me where we were going or what we were doing. He told me to dress nice and he would pick me up at 7 p.m. Since I do as I’m told I was ready at 5:30 p.m. and waited for him to show up. One of the things that Kahuna and I share is our fear of being late. So he arrived promptly at 6:00 p.m. We drove south toward San Diego and I continued to ask questions “Where are we going? What are we going to do?” Now honestly he could have been taking me to the desert to bury me in an abandoned bunker covered in satanic symbols and I wouldn’t have known the difference. Don’t the neighbors of serial killers always say “He was such a quiet man. He was always so nice.” Instead of him being a serial killer out to add me to his collection he was a genuine nice guy. We arrived at a dinner theater and not an abandoned bunker.

The seating for dinner was random and it put you in the middle of people you have never met before and are likely to never meet again. It was a buffet type dinner and so we grabbed our plates and wondered through the sea of grilled chicken and braised tri-tip. We added a little of this and a little of that to our plates as we chatted and headed to our table. We had been seated for about 5 minutes before our table partners arrived. They were a middle aged couple. The woman looked like she was probably a ‘wanna be’ dressed in a flowing caftan type dress. The man, well let’s just say that his toupee did not come from the “Hair Club for Men”. They introduce themselves as Mr. Notta Mportant and Mrs. Ima Mportant. We were dutifully unimpressed. Kahuna began by asking our table guest to tell us about themselves. He was graced with a full dissertation by Ima. She was a sculptor and she had worked on many important pieces. She had been commissioned by a friend of a friend of a friend who lived close to Steve Spielberg. We ooohed and awwwed at the appropriate time. She went on and on about how impressive she was peppering her description of herself with various celebrity names as friends of friends of friends. Then she said “Oh and Notta is just a math teacher.” This sparked a whole new conversation for Kahuna. He asked where he went to college, what school he taught at, what grade and all those mundane small talk questions. Only Notta never got a word in edge wise because Ima was too busy answering for him. I wondered to myself and later to Kahuna if she actually went to the High School and taught his classes while he just stood there bad wig askew and looked lost.

Then it was our turn. Ima asked how long we had been married. I looked at Kahuna and he looked at me and I said “We aren’t married. We just met tonight.” Which started the fun. She asked what I did for a living and I said “I dig ditches.” Ima got a look of disdain on her face and said “What kind of ditches?” Now here I sat in my 5’1” pettite-ness all curly haired up with a nice silk sheath dress and 4” heels with perfectly manicured nails and make-up saying I was a ditch digger. I had to think quick and said “I dig up old sewers. It’s shitty work but it keeps me in shape.” She wrinkled her nose up and asked if I ran a piece of equipment to which I answered “only a shovel.” I could tell this was just way below her. Kahuna looked away to stifle a grin then looked back at me and asked me a couple of questions about what sewers I had dug and then even said “I think I saw you down on Ivy street the other day.” I answered excitedly that I had in fact been the one in the ditch digging up the broken line. I went on to say that they had to be dug by hand because the methane gas could explode and generally just made up as much bullshit as I could fielding questions from Kahuna and watching the sour face that Ima was making while Notta finished yet another bourbon.

I then turned the tables and asked Kahuna if he was married to which he answered he was not. Then I asked what he did for a living waiting for him to tell his true vocation. Instead he went with a talent agent. Only he didn’t represent any talent, he stated that he only represented ‘little people’. He went into great detail how they had to be under a certain height in order for him to represent them. I asked the appropriate questions of was there any that I might know or have seen in films or commercials. Then Ima asked if he had any children to which he answered he did indeed have 14 children all under the age of 15. That their mother had abandoned them and he was raising them. The stories that flowed from his mouth were every bit as off the wall and unbelievable as my own. Our table mates continued to listen with interest. Then Notta mentioned something about knowing people in the Mafia to which Kahuna of course played right into.

Kahuna sat up in his chair and looked over both shoulders. Then he leaned in close to Notta and said “You don’t talk about the family. I’m tellin ya. It’s not done. You ain’t in it and you don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you honestly think I’m an agent for little people? That’s just my cover.” Then he leaned back out. Both Ima and Notta had eyes the size of saucers. Then Kahuna looked at me and said “So, did you come on the bus or did you drive yourself here?” I looked at him and said “I walked.” He smiled and said “Great, cause I’m takin you home with me. My kids could use a new momma.” I smiled up at Kahuna and said “Okay, but I need to call my parole officer first.” This was too much for the Mportants. They pushed their plates back and Ima said “You people are just awful.” She picked up her purse and grabbed her pashima ready to leave. Notta just sat there sipping his bourbon lopsided toupee and all to see what was coming next. “NOTTA, LET’S GO” Ima screamed. Notta rolled his eyes straightened out his wig as he stood up drink in hand and saluted us goodbye.

I looked at Kahuna and he looked at me with a whole new respect. He told me later that this is the minute he knew he loved me. He knew I could keep up with his line of bullshit, his love of pranks and had the ability to laugh at myself. He had obviously not met my daddy or the rest of my family at that point.