Wednesday, February 11, 2009

What Not To Give

My sister from another mother over at Tales of the Wild Boomba actually spurred me to write this story.

*Disclosure: This is not suitable for children. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and the not so innocent.*

There was a woman, we will call Lucy, and she was a mature woman divorced from her husband. She wasn’t a prude by any means but also was not what you would call a swinging single either. She was your basic nice girl grown up who had gone through a bad marriage and was back on the dating scene. She was dating a man she had known the better part of her life and he knew that she was quiet about her intimate life. She was also the type of woman who loved giving gifts more than getting them. She often felt awkward and embarrassed when receiving gifts.

The man she was dating, we will call Richard or Dick for short, was the type that did not give gifts well. He could not give someone a gift and then let it go. He was the type to hold it over the recipient’s head like a bucket of goo just waiting for the moment to unleash it. This was especially unfortunate since he didn’t give very good gifts.

Lucy’s birthday was coming up and all she really wanted was a nice evening out; a nice dinner at a nice restaurant and a movie or even better a show at the local live theater. She expressed this wish to Dick over and over adding with a bit of sarcasm unless of course he wished to buy her a 10 Karate diamond then that might be better. Dick assured her this would be a birthday she would never forget and then he smirked and went on about his business.

The big day arrived and he called about an hour before their date and said “Get dressed up really nice, I’ll pick you up in about an hour.” Now Lucy was skeptical because she still remembered when they were 16 and Dick told her to get dressed up and he took her to What-a-burger for dinner then dropped her off at her front door and went to the Country Club with another girl. She had high hopes for him though and prayed he had changed. Lucy put on her prettiest dress, the red slip dress that complimented her hair and brought out the pink in her cheeks. She slipped into some pretty stiletto gold pumps and flounced her hair and checked her make-up. She waited and waited until she was at the point of giving up. Dick was over an hour late, he wasn’t coming. She knew this because he had done this before, but she continued to hope he had changed. Lucy stepped out of her gold pumps and started toward her bedroom where her comfortable sweats and tee shirt were waiting. Just as she started up the stairs the door bell chimed. She saw through the side light of the door that Dick had arrived. She opened the door ready to unleash her fury and frustration but he had an excuse and an arm full of flowers. She invited him in and put the flowers in water while listening to his unbelievable story of a gas station hold up and him as a witness. He explained he had to give a statement and was unable to give her a call. Still wanting to think the best of this man, Lucy forgave him and decided better late than never. They walked to his vehicle and there waiting for her was a beautiful corsage that he helpfully pinned to her chest, not the dress he stuck the pin in her chest. Trying not to cry, Lucy affixed the flowers to her dress and off they went.

Lucy questioned Dick about the exciting event he had just been party and he wove an intricate story of the whole ordeal. She was so intent on soaking in the details that she barely noticed that they had arrived at the most prestigious and elite restaurant in town. They walked in the door and the Maître De greeted Dick by name. Lucy thought that odd since he had never taken her there before. He showed them to a table in the center of the crowded establishment. Lucy looked around and nodded at some of her fellow diners. She recognized most from the social pages and few of the more renowned professionals in their city. Lucy began to think that Dick had changed and was looking forward to an enjoyable evening. She leaned toward the center of the table and told Dick how thoughtful and wonderful all of this was. She told him that she was impressed with his effort and attention to detail. He smiled a knowing smile and told her it was just the beginning. He explained that after dinner they would be attending the theater which was a one night production of a Broadway musical. Lucy was elated.

The dinner was sublime. The lobster scrumptious the steak succulent they even made her favorite dessert and served it with an extra flair. When they brought out the Cream Brule the waiter also brought out a beautiful gift bag replete with sparkling ribbons and tissue paper. He also had a small box that looked suspiciously like a bracelet or necklace box wrapped in that coveted blue paper that signifies Tiffany.

Lucy was taken aback. This was all too good to be true. She was having a wonderful dinner at such a renowned establishment and later a she would be taken to a production she had wanted to see. She looked at Dick and thought that she had been unkind and harsh with her thoughts. He excitedly urged her to open her gifts, handing her the bag first. As I mentioned before Lucy felt awkward accepting gifts and felt especially so in public. Dick vehemently insisted she open them right then, right there, right now. She noticed her fellow diners watching anxiously from their tables. Perhaps they thought Dick was about to propose. She gingerly and cautiously took the gift bag as it seemed the least intrusive of the gifts and started feeling around the multitude of tissue paper for the gift. There in the bottom she felt something a little soft and reached to pick it up. That’s when it happened. The item started moving and wiggling and then she noticed it was all the way out of the bag. She sat there with her mouth open as women gasped and men chuckled. There in her hand was a big purple male member wiggling and vibrating. It was huge and it wouldn’t stop. Lucy didn’t know what to do with it. She didn’t want to throw it on the table and she couldn’t seem to get it back in the bag because it kept wiggling. She was mortified.
Lucy looked at Dick with terror in her eyes. Why had he given this to her. Surely it was some kind of joke. Only the look on Dick’s face wasn’t one of humor. This man was honestly proud of the present he had given her. He in fact was saying something but she was in shock and couldn’t make it out. Then it hit her he was telling her that this was a Battery Operated Boyfriend. A Bob. He went on to explain all its useful and interesting qualities. Lucy still in a state of shock looked around her at the faces of the other diners. They avoided her gaze and looked away. Some of the women were grabbing their furs and urging their husbands to finish with the check. Others just pretended they had seen anything. Finally she came to her senses and threw the still writhing purple gel monster into the bag. She grabbed her wrap and started toward the door. Tears welled in her eyes from humiliation and frustration. Just as she reached the door Dick yelled across the room “Lucy, wait! You didn’t take your present!” Lucy stopped in the doorway and turned to look at Dick. She looked at the other patrons of the bistro and said “I’m sorry but that wasn’t my present, that was yours. So go stick it where the sun doesn’t shine”

The moral to the story. Bad guys don’t change. Remember Valentines Day is coming. I suggest you put something in that bag that comes from Tiffany or Zales or even Bath and Body not from Lulu’s House of Pleasure.


Chris Wood said...

And I was going to buy my girlfriend a BOB too! Thanks for the hint.

Katherine Aucoin said...

Well if Dick we're so inadequate and insecure I think he would have found something something lovely for Lucy at B&BW.

Queen Goob said...

....I'm afraid to ask what was in the box, a blowup doll for Dick?

Oiy! I hope Lucy moved on to greener pastures; pastures with less doo-doo in them!

MJ said...

Yeeeeaaaaah. That guy would have had to sleep with one eye open that night.

Girly Stuff said...

Is that a true story?

What was he thinking? He seems like a man who needs a lot of attention, good or bad, at the expense of others preferably.

What happened to him?

Queen Goob said...

I had to come back and read this story again as it was so unbelievable the first time around.

Is this $h!t bomb still breathing? What a tool!

Queen Goob said...

....sorry about the potty mouth, I'll rinse out with a beer later.

Queenie said...

One of the funniest place The Goddesses ever visited was a BOB store in Quebec City. My friends walked around with their jaws hanging open in disbelief but I couldn't stop laughing. Something about my attitude must have indicated that I was, ahem, expert in this area and the proprietor OFFERED ME A JOB....I'll never live that one down.

Gladys said...

Well for those of you who ask this jewel of a man is still out there and single, according to Lucy who has refused to have anything to do with him for many years. She hears about him from time to time from friends of friends and he is still out there dealing out his own type of f*&ktardedness. Don't y'all go looking him up now. I'm sure he is inundated with offers from beautifu women. NOT!

Oh and just an aside....What was in the little blue box? She found out after that night it was more wonderful wonderfuls from Lulu's House of Pleasure.